Most of us probably remember this question by the vain queen in the fairy tale: “Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs” written by the Grimms brothers, but never realise how those fairytales affect us as adults, and their role in  promoting narcissism.

Most of us probably remember this question by the vain queen in the fairy tale: “Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs” written by the

With fairy tales like this spreading the latent message that this kind of beauty will attract a prince, no wonder girls are allowing themselves to be cut so they can get the desired features!

Grimms brothers.

As innocent children this was just another story about good triumphing over evil and we paid more attention to the moral values it promoted while missing out on the fundamental issues raised beyond its entertainment value. What we probably did not realise, was the underlying personality disorder of narcissism suffered by the queen. Sadly, this trait besaddles a large section of our society today.

Narcissism is the personality trait of egotism, vanity, conceit, or simple selfishness. The name “narcissism” was coined by Freud after Narcissus who in a Greek myth was a pathologically self-absorbed young man who fell in love with his own reflection in a pool [1]. While in adults a healthy dose of narcissism allows the individual’s perception of his needs to be balanced in relation to others,  in psychology and psychiatry, excessive narcissism is recognized as a severe personality dysfunction or personality disorder, most characteristically Narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) [2].

According to the fairy tale, Snow White’s step mother, the queen, asked her mirror daily: “Mirror, mirror on the wall, who is the loveliest lady in the land?” The reply was always; “You are, your Majesty.” This daily ritual took a new twist one day when the mirror replied: “Snow White is the loveliest in the land.” Infuriated and filled with jealousy, the stepmother plotted to get rid of her rival. The queen was willing to kill in order to remain the most beautiful woman in the land and went to the extent of giving the little girl a poisoned apple just so she could eliminate competition[3].  

The fairy tale places emphasis on outward beauty, a theme that is carried through most fairy tales and creates an obsession with good looks at an early age. From childhood, our minds are trained to value beauty above other qualities and this is more pronounced in girls than boys. Sadly, it also colours the way men view women. Such perceptions can either make or break the individual’s confidence. Although some people rise beyond these tags of being beautiful or ugly, and earn respect for their achievements, looks remain the primary defining factor for most who achieve very little in life.

Search for a picture of a beautiful woman and this is what comes up - society's current definition of beauty which most are striving to attain at all costs!

In our current context, the death that Snow White’s step mother tried to execute on her unwitting young rival may not be literal, but people are willing to go to great lengths to eliminate competition and be branded the most beautiful. Beauty, of course, in this case has a very narrow definition, usually limited to specific Caucasian features as we have been socialised to believe that these are more acceptable than others. This view starts when we are exposed to fairytales like “Cinderella, Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs and Sleeping beauty,[4]” among others, and is perpetuated through images that are reinforced in the media. A tall slim body, a narrow petit nose, fair skin, a prominent forehead, perfect teeth, high cheek bones and silky long hair are among some of the features that supposedly epitomise beauty. Not surprisingly, those of us who were born without any of these features either have to go through great pain to attain them, or stubbornly cling to the self-belief and conviction that “beauty is in the eye of the beholder” against the tide of a world that believes otherwise.

So strong is the pressure to conform to the prevailing standard of beauty, that people go to all kinds of extremes to fit the bill. During my growing years, cheeks with dimples were part of the beauty package. I remember a friend of mine sitting for hours on end, with elbows on knees, chin in palms and index fingers thrust deeply into her cheeks in order to bore holes and acquire the much desired dimples. This continued for some years until attending biology class convinced her that if she was not born with it, she was not likely to acquire it. Needless to say her cheeks are still as chubby and dimple-free as ever, if not chubbier thanks to weight added by maturity and child bearing.

However, technology has overtaken the era of learning to like what you were born with, and now, if you have the money, you can buy the features you like. Hollyhood is the chief culprit, constantly bombarding us with images of perfect people and telling us it’s not alright to be ordinary. However, rather than rebel against this misguided message, most of us willingly comply with this artificial pop culture and the erroneous gospel that “if you don’t like it, change it.” Television programmes like Dr. 90210, Extreme Makeover, and Bridal Plasty among many others tell the gullible public how you can change your face, reshape your booty and even transform the parts that the public will never get to see! Like sheep to the slaughter, we foolishly allow ourselves to be misled, much to the detriment of our society.

Cosmetic surgery has become cheap and made good looks accessible to all.  

• Got mustard seeds for boobs? You can get breast implants and wake up with melons after just a few hours under the knife.
• Do you lack the discipline to exercise? Why not get some form of “suction” and re-emerge looking like Barbie?
  

  Michael Jackson, looking like Snow White, after a series of plastic surgeries.

• Unhappy with your face? Well, that’s the easiest, Michael Jackson, king of pop and chief hater of natural self demonstrated how that can be transformed. You can also regain your youthful looks through the same procedure, although sadly it will not arrest the aging process.
• Despise your height? How about bone extension surgery then you’ll be taller, even though you might not grow to be a six foot model.
• Hate the colour of your eyes? That’s easy, just buy tinted contact lenses and become blue eyed.
• Resent your complexion? How about de-pigmentation?
• Don’t like your coarse hair? Simply treat it with chemicals or buy a weave and it need not be artificial, you can get a Brazilian weave that will last longer and is more real.
• Feeling trapped in the wrong body? You can become a transgender.
• Hate your privates? There are plenty of solutions to that too!

You can change any part of you, anyhow and anytime, as long as you have the financial means to do so.  Sadly though, there are no guarantees that you’ll fall in love with yourself after the changes and some of the newly acquired features may not be sustainable, e.g the new trim body in the absence of exercise.

What this narcissistic culture neglects to tell, is the truth that if you struggle with self acceptance, that problem will not go away just because you have transformed a body part. People with psychological and social problems need long-term counselling, not surgery.

It has been noted that some of the people who undergo cosmetic surgery have an underlying problem of a low self esteem and are likely to become serial patients or addicts of this type of surgery. Unfortunately, some of them hate the new self after each procedure and wish they could reverse the process, but alas, it will be too late.

“If your self-esteem is so low that you view yourself through a filter of self-rejection (“I’m ugly” or “I’m fat”), all the surgery in the world isn’t going to make a difference. If you don’t change the filter through which you look when you see yourself in the mirror, you’ll never be happy[5],” according to Dr. Phil and I couldn’t agree more!

Plastic surgery addiction gone wrong. Sadly, it's irreversible and no amount of it can change a low self-esteem.

Clearly, one of the real issues that need to be addressed is that of self acceptance. Whitney Houston had it right in the 1980s hit song “The Greatest Love,” when she sang “Learning to love yourself is the greatest, love of all.”

I know a lady who underwent de-pigmentation recently and turned up for work a different colour! Her clients could not recognise her and she clearly needed time to adjust to her new self. I wouldn’t be surprised if, upon seeing her, the boss asked why there were unauthorised personnel in the premises. Sadly, up to now, almost a year after the process, she still carries herself as if there is a stranger in her body and everyone around her is still trying to get used to her. Further, she has to keep out of the sun. How sad is that! Also, I cannot guarantee that she is any happier now than she was before.

As society, I think we ought to go back to basics. We are the society that makes the rules and we can change them – although pop culture has the greater say when we allow it. If we all, individually, place less emphasis on people’s outward appearance and choose to focus on their other qualities, then collectively, we can change the world. After all, it’s the invisible and intangible qualities of warmth, love, kindness, patience, friendliness, meekness, sweetness, consideration that make the world go round. These are precious and noticeable regardless of a person’s physical appearance, so why not place more emphasis on them?

We also have to teach ourselves self acceptance, and pass that culture on to the next generation. We need to relearn that it is alright to have a fat nose, chubby cheeks, course hair, short legs and whatever else people are trying to change about themselves.

We need to remind ourselves that as long as you love who you are, the world will follow suit. If you appreciate yourself, so will everyone else. Yes, people may tease you at first, but guess what? They’ll soon get used to your features and life goes on! Come to think of it, people are generally too busy getting on with their lives to care about whether your nose is pinched or your bra size is a 38! Besides, the world’s most good looking and richest people are not necessarily the happiest.

Above all, though, we need to come to terms with the reality that there is more to a person than their outward appearance and that real beauty stems from deep within an individual. Instead of spending huge sums of money transforming the appearance, why not divert those funds towards a worthy cause, spend time in introspection and change the inside because ultimately, that is where real beauty lies. Sipho Gumede’s jazz track “Peacocks today, feather dusters tomorrow,” should remind us that outward beauty fades and in the end, people will remember your intangible qualities that made a difference to their lives!

In this world, it is very possible that seemingly innocent sounding words in one language could mean something crude and unspeakable in another. So much for cultural diversity, yet learn to be sensitive we must. And to prove this, here are a few examples that illustrate what I mean.

Words convey meaning and evoke certain images in our minds.

I had one such  silly dream this morning! I dreamt I had moved to a country where the words “yes I would like,” were the same

words used for “I’m horny” in my local language. It was a crazy dream because imagine, throughout the dream people were having conversations and inevitably someone would have to say “yes I would like” so even an offer for a drink would elicit a response that sounded inappropriate in my language. Even a shopping trip became difficult in this dream because expressing what I wanted sounded bizarre!

Anyway, so much for silly dreams but guess what? In this world, it is very possible that seemingly innocent sounding words in one language could mean something crude and unspeakable in another. In the interests of cultural diversity we have no choice but to learn to be sensitive  to such differences. And to prove this, here are a few examples that illustrate what I mean.

I’m currently based in Nairobi, Kenya, and much as there are similarities in Swahili, spoken here and the Shona language back home – sometimes the same words mean something totally different. In Swahili, “mapenzi” is love and a girl’s name which means “beloved,” while in Shona, the same word is the plural for lunatics, the singular being “benzi.”

A family friend caused a stir when she called her child “Ngozi.” In the Nigerian Igbo language the word, also a popular name, means blessing while in Shona and Ndebele back home, it means danger. In fact, in Shona it has a worse meaning because “ngozi” also means a curse that haunts a lineage when a family member commits murder and does not compensate the aggrieved family.  

Not so long ago, I worked with a Zambian colleague whose daughter was called Chende, which I’m told is quite a lovely common name for girls in that country. Well, my colleague’s daughter had a hard time introducing herself at school. Naturally it became difficult for people to keep a straight face whenever she was introduced. Thankfully she also had an English name that she was forced to use throughout her schooling years in Zimbabwe because Chende, in Shona means testicles. Being a primary school child, one can imagine how traumatic the experience must have been!

The name Tunde, originally a name for a native of Nigeria which also means “returns,” conveys images of the natural act of urination because in Shona, tunda is to urinate. There’s also a safari company in Kenya called “Tunda Safaris and Tours.”

Remember Princess Diana’s flame Dodi Al Fayed? Well, in Shona, his name means human waste, so not surprisingly, the name caused quite some excitement in my part of the world.

Marketers can also testify to the fact that products have failed because of brand names that sounded great in one language and awful in another. In 1988, the General Electric Company (GEC) and Plessey combined to create a new telecommunications giant. A brand name was desired that evoked technology and innovation. The winning proposal was GPT for GEC-Plessey Telecommunications. A not very innovative name and not suggestive of technology and a total disaster for European branding. GPT is pronounced in French as “J’ai pété” or “I’ve farted”[1].   

We’ve also heard of taglines that were creative in one language and a total disaster in another. For example, Pepsi’s “Come alive with the Pepsi Generation” translated into “Pepsi brings your ancestors back from the grave,” in Chinese. Another amusing one is General Motors’ Chevy Nova, which failed in Latin America because “Nova” means “It doesn’t go” in Spanish. Ford failed in Brazil when they introduced Pinto to the market. In Brazilian Portuguese slang “pinto” is “small penis”[2].

And for the regular traveller, the classic is the Austrian town of F***ing! Yes, there really is a place in Austria called F***ing. In fact they liked the name so much, it seems that they also have several F***ng roads[3]. I can imagine how people from that place introduce themselves. “Hi, I’m so and so from F***ing.”

Help children to help themselves. Equip them with information.

31142…

The number remains ingrained in my memory. It’s deeply etched as if someone chiseled it on my mind, even though more than 30 years have passed since I learnt it. Sometimes, it just pops up in my mind and I find myself wondering what triggered it.

Indeed it might seem like just an odd collection of figures, yet it played a significant role in my life. Reciting this number  was among the first steps my parents took in preparing me for the outside world as a four year old who was about to start nursery school. It was their way of empowering me and my siblings to find our way home if we ever got lost or if something happened to any of us.  I don’t know how long my parents took to teach us but vividly remember the day I got it right. My parents were standing over me in the kitchen while I recited this set of figures, much to their delight.

Although I could neither read nor write then, I could say the numbers in the correct order. I guess having a mother who was a teacher also played a part in helping my memory.  I was firmly instructed to share that number with the police, or whoever assisted me, if I ever got lost. The message was clear! This number would be my lifeline if anything ever happened to me outside the safety of our home. The number, our home telephone number, would reconnect me to my family if we were ever separated.

I’m not sure whether it was the reward of my parents’ pleasure every time I got it right, or fear of being taken away from them that made me remember the number for the rest of my life. Whatever the incentive, it certainly worked.

Before I wrote this piece, I checked with my siblings and it turns out they too, remember the number well. This is despite the fact that we have grown up, left home, changed telephone numbers numerous times and had to recite a myriad of codes, passwords and digits in this increasingly digital world. In the midst of having to remember our identity card, passport, bank account, worker index, mobile phone, e-mail password, car licence and club membership numbers among many others, our old telephone number remains indelible in our memory boxes.

I am amazed though at what some modern parents take forgranted. I have heard harrowing stories of lost children failing to get help or receiving assistance late because they lack basic details about their parents.

Recently, I listened in horror as a radio announcement was made about a

Information is power. Empower children with basic information.

child who had wondered away from home but could not get help because he did not have basic information about his parents. Thankfully he wondered into a radio station, I would certainly not want to imagine what would have happened had he not. When asked where he lived, the child simply answered: “at home.” He had no idea of the name of his parents or the suburb where they live. In fact, he did not have any meaningful detail that could help to trace his parents. Consequently, the best the radio announcer could do was to broadcast the child’s name and describe what he was wearing in the hope that someone would come to claim him.

A few weeks later, I heard the story of a child who was kidnapped from nursery school and later left to wonder alone. She was found loitering, thankfully within her neighbourhood, and reunited with her family. One shudders to imagine what could have happened had she been dumped elsewhere as she did not have information that could have helped to trace her parents. In fact, she referred to every adult female as “mama,” which made her easy prey for kidnappers.

Thousands of children have been separated from their parents as a result of the conflict. At this camp for internally displaced persons (IDP) young children are encouraged to study images on a notice board to see if they recognize their parents. However, in the absence of pictures, children should be able to communicate enough information to help trace their parents.

The frequency of local incidents involving children who find themselves in difficult situations without the requisite information to take action is both astounding and disconcerting. Having interviewed organizations that provide tracing services to children who have been separated from their parents because of conflict, I am acutely aware of the important role information plays in facilitating the reunification process.  I have come across situations where families were separated by conflict and ended up at refugee camps in different countries. In such situations, basic information like someone’s name and seemingly minor details become vital for tracing and reuniting families. However, the process becomes all the more difficult when children are not equipped with such information.

If any of the children cited in the examples above had been removed from Zimbabwe either through being kidnapped, simply getting lost or as a result of the sudden onset of conflict, how long would it take to reunite them with their parents, if at all?

It seems rather ironic that my parents took precautions at a time when the world was safer, yet my generation is disregarding such matters of basic security in a more dangerous environment. I was struck by the contrast between my parents making us recite our phone number until we could not forget even 30 years later, and these poor children who are vulnerable because they lack basic information that could help trace their parents. This is particularly in view of the fact that world is a more dangerous place now than it was then. This is the era of human trafficking, sex trade, child pornography and ritual killings among a plethora of evil, yet basic precautions are disregarded.

I firmly believe we have an obligation to empower our children with information. We can not always be there to protect them and indeed anything can happen anywhere. However, while we may not be able to control all circumstances surrounding them, the least we can do is ensure that they have enough information to enable them to find their way home or out of difficult situations. Our role is to equip them with information so they can act on it when necessary. This should be done as early as possible in a child’s life. Don’t wait until they are older, just teach them what they need to know for their protection. While information will not solve all problems, it can at least assist. It certainly could make the difference between life and death or lost and found.

Let’s teach children what they need to know, it is amazing what the human mind can do when given the chance. Besides, it could potentially save their lives!

What do abusers, bullies and psychopaths have in common? Read on to find out!

Read on to find out!

Narcissism is was coined after Narcissus who in mythology, was a pathologically self-absorbed young man who fell in love with his own reflection in a pool.

Recently, I watched with intrigue as experts in a documentary on Jack the Ripper did a psycho analysis on this mysterious character in an episode of the television programme Crime and Investigation. As a psychologist described the personality profile of psychopaths, I was shocked at the similarities that they have with abusers and bullies.

It just struck me that abusers, bullies and psychopaths have similar desires and try to satisfy these by engaging in behavior that often negatively affects other people. As I noted the striking similarities among these three groups, I felt prompted to pen this article and share my thoughts from a lay person’s perspective. I have summed up the common desires of abusers, bullies and psychopaths into seven As, which are acceptance, admiration, adoration, affection, attention, authority and awards.

For traits of people with NPD visit the site www.narcissism101.com/.  In light of this, I’ll just lump all three groups and refer to them as people with NPD throughout the article, since the focus here is on what they have in common.

Abusive behaviour is associated with Narcissistic Personality Disorder.

To establish a common understanding,  for the purposes of this article an abuser is someone who abuses  [wordnetweb.princeton.edu/perl/webwn] and while abuse can take any form, in this case the definition shall include emotional, mental, physical, psychological or sexual maltreatment, misuse, deception. It will also cover to to wrong in speech, reproach coarsely, disparage, revile, and malign [http://legal-dictionary.thefreedictionary.com/abuser].

A bully is a person who is habitually cruel or overbearing, especially to smaller or weaker people [http://www.answers.com/topic/bully#ixzz1CQUJkEUI]. This article will focus on adults and all reference to bullying will be specific to the workplace. Bullying includes behavior that intimidates, degrades, offends, or humiliates a worker, often in front of others. Bullying behavior creates feelings of defenselessness in the target and undermines an individual’s right to dignity at work. Bullies are disordered personalities, aggressive but intelligent individual who express their violence psychologically through constant criticism etc rather than physically through assault [http://www.bullyonline.org/workbully/amibeing.htm].

 On the other hand, a psychopath is a person with an antisocial personality disorder (APD) that manifests in

Psychopaths, too, have Narcissistic Personality Disorder.

 aggressive, perverted, criminal, or amoral behavior without empathy or remorse [http://www.answers.com/topic/psychopath#ixzz1CQTVnSfA].  Psychopaths are unstoppable and untreatable predators whose violence is planned, purposeful and emotionless. They tend to operate with a grandiose demeanor, an attitude of entitlement, an insatiable appetite, and a tendency toward sadism. Dr. Sam Vaknin, in The Psychopath, notes that many psychopaths are outright bullies.

I am neither a psychiatrist nor a psychologist, but rather, recently found myself a target of abuse and bullying in the workplace for a protracted period. In my quest for solutions to end my ordeal, I stumbled on some interesting information about abusers, bullies and psychopaths and developed this list of 7 As that drive the three groups of people. Although these are by no means exhaustive, I hope they give insights into these personalities and will be of benefit to people who unwittingly become targets of any of abusers, bullies or psychopaths.

1.    Acceptance

The first A is acceptance (tied to acknowledgement and approval). I am convinced that these three categories of people seek acceptance or approval and they definitely want to be acknowledged. The fact that NPD is defined more specifically as a pattern of grandiosity, that is exaggerated claims to talents, importance, or specialness in the patient’s private fantasies or outward behavior and a need for constant admiration from others [http://www.minddisorders.com/Kau-Nu/Narcissistic-personality-disorder.html], is indicative of desperation to be accepted or approved of.  This is further supported by the fact that they resent anyone who does not see them the way they view themselves.  Consequently, those who don’t acknowledge them often become unwitting targets (victims) of abuse.

NPDs can be chameleon-like. Because they exist off of the attention and reflected glory of others, they learn very quickly how to say and do just the right things to get what they want [http://www.thoughts.com/contraeverything/good-question-on-narcissism]. This means they can then easily fit into society, even if they do not necessarily feel the way they act. To me, that is a sign of a deep-seated hunger for acceptance.

 2.    Admiration

A key characteristic of people with NPD is their insatiable appetite for admiration. This view is supported by experts, who note that a key trait of narcissists is the need for admiration. [www.steadyhealth.com/about/narcissistic_behavior_examples.html] as people with NPD demand excessive amounts of praise or admiration from others [www.minddisorders.com/Kau-Nu/Narcissistic-personality-disorder.html#ixzz1CygSnsOD].

In her blog, psychiatrist Anna Valerious notes that in every situation the parasitical narcissist is preening himself and needs a mirror to accomplish his acts of preening.

“That mirror is you. He plays to his mirrors. He poses in front of his mirrors to get the desired reflection back. When you show looks of interest, admiration, fear, concern, he is basking in his reflected self. His insubstantial self,” she says [http://narcissists-suck.blogspot.com/].

Obviously, failing to admire this person will result in a backlash such as abuse or bullying, a view supported in www.steadyhealth.com/about/narcissistic_behavior_examples.html, which warns that  people with NPD expect special treatment by other people and if their wishes are not fulfilled, their reaction can be sudden and strong agitation.

As I observed the behavior of the guy who bullied me, I noticed that he was at his peak when he was the centre of attention for being particularly knowledgeable. Acknowledging his omniscience, a quality also associated with God, brought me some reprieve from abuse – albeit temporarily. Sadly, I was too sparing with my admiration, which is probably why I became his the primary target of his abuse. I learnt, rather late, that “the narcissistic person desires the admiration from other people and wants to be adored, complimented and flattered. These people like to think that they are better than others, and that everything that they do is the best possible.” [www.steadyhealth.com/about/narcissistic_behavior_examples.html].

 3.    Adoration

 Tied to the desire for admiration is the desire by people with NPD to be adored, an inevitable characteristic in people with an inflated ego. To adore is to worship as God or a god, regard with deep, often rapturous love or like very much [http://www.thefreedictionary.com/adore]. A person with NPD’s conceit and sense of superiority means they feel they are above the rest of man-kind and a much closer to the gods, so they must be worshipped.

“The narcissist also wants to be adored and appreciated, and often is. Narcissists are usually superstars of one kind or another, but generally can’t get quite enough worship and adoration to suit their inflated ego needs–and there comes the anger,” according to the article “Narcissism and the anger it causes.” [http://www.angermanagementresource.com/narcissism.html].

Sadly, their insatiable appetite for adoration is unsustainableand even those who adore them soon tire.

4.    Affection

Although people with NPD don’t posses emotions of empathy, I am convinced that they desire affection and this is closely linked to all the other As. Perhaps they mistake admiration and attention for affection. Whatever the case, I believe these people want to feel loved and think they can manipulate their way into people’s hearts.

“People with narcissistic personality disorder are frequently perfectionists and need to be the center of attention, receiving affection and admiration, and controlling the situation,” according to http://www.lmars.com/n-personality-disorder.htm in the definition of NPD. This is supported by a new large-scale Dutch study, which states that most bullies are motivated by the pursuit of status and affection [www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2010/03/100325091424.htm].

Adult bullies exist and exhibit traits associated with Narcissistic Personality Disorder.

Having been tormented by a bully for more than a year – and not realizing it until I described the behavior and how I felt, to which someone helpfully pointed out that I was a victim of bullying – I finally gathered the guts to confront my tormentor. Interestingly, his immediate reaction to my concerns about the way he has been treating me was an accusation that I hated him. Of course the way he treated me made me feel that way, but prior to the abuse, I haboured no negative emotions towards him. I found it somewhat strange that someone should seek affection in such a derisive and obnoxious way. Later, as I read more about NPD, I realized that my tormentor exhibited more than five of the traits associated with the disorder and required a different approach as talking was futile. Clearly, reasoning with a person who lacks empathy about the pain they are causing is a bit like trying to outshout the thunder on a stormy night!

5.    Attention

I believe the insatiable desire for attention is the driving force behind people with NPD.

Psychiatrist, Anna Valerious, aptly captures this in her blog “Narcissists suck” when she says: “The narcissist has a pathological need for all attention in every context he finds himself in.
It is so pathological that if you get any attention he is obsessed by the need to take it away from you because he imagines that if you get any that it is an unsurvivable diminution of this precious commodity for him.” [http://narcissists-suck.blogspot.com/].

In the case of bullying, a serial bully often has an overwhelming, unhealthy and narcissistic attention-seeking need to portray themselves as a wonderful, kind, caring and compassionate person, in contrast to their behaviour and treatment of others; the bully sees nothing wrong with their behavior and chooses to remain oblivious to the discrepancy between how they like to be seen and how they are seen by others [http://www.bullyonline.org/workbully/serial.htm]. Some believe being the centre of attention alleviates feelings of insecurity and inadequacy but the relief is temporary as the underlying problem remains unaddressed: low self-confidence and low self-esteem, and consequent low levels of self-worth and self-love, especially in bullies. [www.bullyonline.org/workbully/attent.htm]. The emotionally immature person, however, has low levels of self-esteem and self-confidence and consequently feels insecure; to counter these feelings of insecurity they will spend a large proportion of their lives creating situations in which they become the centre of attention. It may be that the need for attention is inversely proportional to emotional maturity, therefore anyone indulging in attention-seeking behaviours is telling you how emotionally immature they are. Insecure and emotionally immature people often exhibit bullying behaviours, especially manipulation and deception. These are necessary in order to obtain attention which would not otherwise be forthcoming. Bullies and harassers have the emotional age of a young child and will exhibit temper tantrums, deceit, lying and manipulation to avoid exposure of their true nature and to evade accountability and sanction.

Whether it is a low self esteem, or an exaggerated sense of self-worth, the bottom line is that people with NPD crave attention. Even psychopaths like Jack the Ripper clearly wanted attention and their actions received a lot of it, even if their identities remained a mystery.

In my case, I found myself shrinking at the slightest hint of a compliment in front of my tormentor because I knew it would draw his wrath and he would twist the praise into an insult and use the opportunity to publicly humiliate me.  

6.    Authority

People with NPD want power, control, domination and subjugation, which, in my view, can be summed up as the desire for authority. The person with NPD considers himself to be of superior intellect, which is partly where he derives his perceived authority.

In the article “traits of narcissists,” the author notes that: “narcissists work for a goal, too, but it’s a different goal: they want power, authority and adulation. Lacking empathy, and lacking also context and affect, narcissists don’t understand how people achieve glory and high standing; they think it’s all arbitrary, it’s all appearances, it’s all who you know.” [http://www.halcyon.com/jmashmun/npd/traits.html#contra]

Panelist Teresa Bean, chief prosecutor of the Domestic Violence Unit at the Frederick County State’s Attorney’s Office noted that in cases of abuse, the batterer was driven by a desire for control. [http://www.fredericknewspost.com/sections/news/display.htm?storyid=73414].

This control can be obtained through different means. For example, the person with NPD may try to define our reality. For instance, he disregards your individuality, personality, background and experiences as long as they are not aligned to his. This view is supported in the blog http://www.sedonapsychicreading.com/narcissism-energyvampires.phpm which says: “the narcissist is very skilled at helping us disassemble our own sense of reality. He rewards us with positive feedback for admitting fault or surrendering to his version of reality. Since we are human creatures we respond to positive reinforcement. Over time we are unconsciously conditioned to give up our reality in exchange for positive re-enforcement.”

In my example, I constantly found myself being attacked for having a different background, history, opinion and general world view from my tormentor. If I said anything, he would pick one word, twist its meaning and change the context. When I tried to correct him, I would be treated like a confused liar. Similarly, I would shudder when my opinion was required in a meeting at work, particularly if I had to speak after him as giving a different view was tantamount to dethroning the king, and I would pay for it by having my dignity publicly flogged, as soon as he got the opportunity to get back at me.

7.    Awards

Narcissists are generally high achievers and crave for success. One can therefore safely conclude that they desire accolades and awards as rewards for their achievements.

In the article Narcissistic Personality Disorder at a glance, Dr. Vaknin categorises two types of NPD. He notes that patients with NPD are either “cerebral,” that is those who derive their Narcissistic Supply from their intelligence or academic achievements, or “somatic,” who derive their Narcissistic Supply from their physique, exercise, physical or sexual prowess and romantic or physical “conquests”.

Either way, there is a quest for accolades, which is tied very closely to the NPD’s desire for all the other As.

In addition, Josh­ua Buck­holtz, a grad­u­ate stu­dent in psy­chol­o­gy and lead au­thor of a new stu­dy,  recently noted that psychopaths have a a hyper-reac­tive dopamine re­ward sys­tem, which may be the founda­t­ion for some of the most prob­lem­at­ic be­hav­iors as­so­ci­at­ed with psy­chop­a­thy, such as vi­o­lent crime, re­cid­i­vism and sub­stance abuse.
Dopamine is the brain chem­i­cal most closely as­so­ci­at­ed with pleas­ure and ex­cite­ment.
According to the re­search, psychopaths have an abundance of im­pul­siv­ity, height­ened at­trac­tion to re­wards and risk tak­ing. [http://www.world-science.net/othernews/100315_psychopath].

Conclusion

Having been a victim of abuse and bullying, and having followed a few documentaries about psychopaths, I can safely conclude that these three categories of people have desperately seek these seven As and will harm anyone who stands in the way of their getting them. In fact, these people have such a sense of entitlement that they have caused much societal damage and untold suffering to anyone who did not hand them any of the 7 As on a silver platter.

Related articles:

http://www.worldpulse.com/node/17646

Friends are an integral part of lives and play a vital role in shaping who we are. They can either make or break us depending on a number of factors such as both their and our personality, character, influence, perception etc.  What kind of friend are you?

Friends are an integral part of lives and play a vital role in shaping who we are. They can either make or break us depending on a number of factors such as both their and our personality, character, influence, perception etc. They can either enhance or erode the quality of our lives based on the circumstances and nature of the friendship. While social relations are normally voluntary, sometimes we find ourselves thrust into friendships that are potentially destructive. As women, it helps to examine our friendships as they affect who we are in society.

Good friends, like sisters, are a blessing.

I have been blessed with many friends in this life of just over 30 years. Some of the friendships have withstood the test of time and grown stronger through adversity, while others have withered like grass at the slightest wind of challenge. Some friendships have built me, while others threatened to destroy my very core.

I salute the friends that have grown with me throughout the years and those that God sent for a reason to see me through a season before wondering off. These are people from whom I learnt valuable life lessons and for that, I treasure them.

On the other hand, some friendships have been so potentially destructive that I had to cut them off for my own good. From these I learnt some lessons too, I learnt that a friend who neither values nor acknowledges individuality is not worth keeping.

Having observed and experienced, like any human being, a series of friendships in my lifetime, I have come up with a few categories of friends. These are by no means exhaustive but will hopefully be useful in helping us introspect and become better friends to the people we have been blessed with or to steer clear of hazardous relationships.

1. Sincere sister

The sincere sister is the best friend that anyone could have. I have a number of these and l love them to bits. Such sisters acknowledge your individuality and encourage you to be the best you can be. These are the people you can confide in knowing that Chattam rules apply and of course even if you are a motor mouth, you learn to respect their confidentiality too because the friendship is well worth keeping.

Such sisters are genuinely interested in your total well being and will move the world for you if they can. They will empty their bank accounts to help you buy a house, prep you for that important event in your life and just stand by you through thick and thin. You sure can trust this sister with your man because somehow, you read from the same moral code.

The sincere sister will never back stab you and anytime she has a problem with you, it will be laid on the table and discussed. So, it is with these sisters that you just grow together and somehow, you become like real sisters. Your relationship is characterized by reciprocity. Not surprisingly, your mother treats her like one of her daughters and her mother does the same for you. She is likely to be the best girl at your wedding and you at hers, depending on who gets married first. Infact, if she gets married before you, you will find a role for her at your wedding and any other significant events in your life. You secretly hope that your spouses will become best friends too, just like the two of you.

Naturally, such friendships last for a lifetime, who on earth would want to lose such a friend?

2. Co-pilot

The co-pilot does just that, try to run your life alongside you. Actually, she expects you to put your life on autopilot so she can run it for you the moment you from the very moment the friendship begins.

The co-pilot.

The co-pilot is a good person and means well. However, she has difficulty relating without controlling and this negatively affects the friendship. Such friendships are usually born out of circumstances, e.g a sudden move to a new town etc. Individuality is a swear word in the co-pilot’s vocabulary and she treats friends like an extension of her personality.

Such a friend wants to be in charge of every area of your life. Don’t be surprised if she expects you to laugh at the same jokes, react in the same way to various stimuli, cook food using the same recipe, manage your finances like her, be in good books with everyone she likes and be a sworn enemy to anyone she does not get along with. The co-pilot kills you softly. As your personalities cannot co-exist, one of you must be subdued and it has to be you. You somehow get the feeling that your personality must experience sudden death the moment they extend a hand of friendship. Everything in your life must suddenly and neatly align with her views and preferences. Whatever does not conform must be flushed out.

This kind of friend does not wait for an invitation but will bulldoze her way into every area of your life and try to take charge. This sister is usually highly critical as a way of gaining a foothold into your life. If you are not careful, that criticism will erode your confidence, paving way for her to gain a stranglehold and subsequent control.

That you have a history, personality, preferences and other people in your life is immaterial – in fact, your desire to hold onto these is an inconvenience to the process of transforming you into a better person. Better, in this case, means being similar to her. This sister wants to be the star of your life and re-educate you into becoming a carbon copy of her. Such people usually can’t draw the line between themselves and the next person. They seem to see a seamless flow into the other personality. They believe friendship with another person makes them one, a bit like a man and a woman becoming one flesh in marriage. However, this oneness comes with the assumption that their personality must become the dominant one and everyone else must submit.

This kind of friendship can be very intrusive and overbearing, particularly for people who value their independence and love their space. It also stifles the dominated party and can actually steer one off track. On the other hand, the co-pilot, in a desperate bid to maintain the friendship, wants to be everything she can be to her friend without realizing the damage she is causing. Co-pilots are usually good leaders who are highly committed but their intensity and domineering nature can be off-putting, so, a few months later, such people find themselves alone and jump at the next sign of friendliness.

Friendships like this do not often last also because of their circumstantial nature. Such people are constantly on the lookout for new friends and when they find them, they try to isolate them from their circle before dominating them hence their friendships are usually intense. Co-pilots easily make new friends but cannot sustain the friendship.

Friendships with the co-pilot thrive when one party is in a crisis but crumble as soon as that party regains control of her life as the co-pilot will no longer serve much purpose. It is not surprising that the dominated party soon starts looking for excuses to get away and that usually marks the beginning of the end of the friendship. When confronted with a choice between saving the friendship and regaining freedom, naturally one chooses freedom. At some stage, the friendship can become a tussle for control over the friend’s life. Parting is often a good way to end this friendship but is never amicable because the co-pilot feels she has contributed immensely towards your life and you owe her. As in any struggle for power, the co-pilot is reluctant to cede control and breaking free can be difficult. Both emerge from the freedom fight with scars. To the co-pilot, the scars are a reminder that she was used but to you, they are a sign of freedom and serve to remind you to look out for certain traits in people and steer clear from those who display them.

Naturally, the man in your life feels castrated by this personality as she tries to extend her tentacles of control into his life. Since nothing you did before she came on the scene is good enough, she probably disapproves of him anyway and he can sense that he has an ultimatum to shape up or ship out.

However, as life would have it, cracks soon emerge as individuality finds expression and this, if not handled well, soon leads to the demise of the friendship. Such people can only relate with you as a carbon copy of them and see no value in any aspect of you that does not flatter them.

3. No qualms sister

Like the sincere sister, this is usually a great friend to have. She lives by the maxim “live and let live.” This sister respects your independence and expects the same from all her friends. Life is a party and she invites you all to have fun. She makes no judgments and does not expect to be judged. She will give her advice when needed but respects that you are an adult who can sift through it, therefore she does not expect you to treat everything she says as gospel truth. This relationship is characterized by warmth and respect.

You probably have a lot in common and there’s an unwritten agreement that you hangout for your common interests and separate for your individual interests.

Such friendships last a lifetime because they are not intrusive and there is a lot of clarity around parameters. This friendship can only be fun.

4. Soul sister

This is another beautiful friendship that usually grows over the years and sometimes dates as far back as childhood. The soul sister probably has a very similar personality to yours and so you get along very well. This sister knows your deepest darkest secrets, most likely because she’s your chief accomplice. She can sense your moods, knows what you like and what you can not handle. Because you grew up together, you’ve probably seen each other through thick and thin. Since you know each other so well, you get caught up in the same mischief and cover up for each other. You probably influence each other both positively and negatively, although the bad side is not really intentional. Your closeness could even align your menstrual cycles.

Even when you live in different countries, the friendship remains tight. Chances are, because you have this intricate tie, you can even sense when things are not well in each other’s lives and are likely to feel a sudden urge to communicate.

Like the sincere sister, the soul sister is like a family member and people may even begin to see some resemblance and argue that you are biological sisters. This person is likely to be your children’s godmother and naturally, you reciprocate in everything.

5. The all-knowing goddess

The all-knowing goddess is a bit like the co-pilot. In fact, they share many attributes in that friendship to them means control. However, the all-knowing goddess believes in gaining control through knowledge. Every word this friend utters is an attempt to demonstrate her knowledge which is superior to yours. Not surprisingly, every conversation with this personality is often one-sided, with the goddess imparting her knowledge to the ignoramus of a friend. The monologue often takes the form of a lecture or release of new knowledge. That the subject has had different experiences from which she has learnt her own lessons is immaterial. The friend, who in this case becomes a subject, is not allowed to make her own mistakes as she is extremely privileged to have the goddess sharing her expertise. Such friendships are disempowering. The all-knowing goddess expects no opposition and any challenge is treated like a cardinal sin. Not surprisingly, such friends will butt into your conversations with other people because they really expect you to look to them and no one else for information. They can also demean you publicly in an effort to showcase their knowledge. These people are willing to experiment with your life without caring about the consequences. Of course the all-knowing goddess has an opinion about everything and that should never be challenged. Such friends can be a bore.

6. The self-appointed mentor

Like the co-pilot and all-knowing goddess, the self appointed mentor is an achiever and now feels she must mentor someone. She feels she has self-actualised but society is failing to recognize it and so begins the quest for mentees. Usually, she preys on younger women who admire her achievements. Initially, the friendship soars as both parties enjoy some benefits. However, the self-appointed mentor, who in reality sees her young friend as a basket case in need of reconstruction, soon tries to control the mentee’s life. Young women achievers are very clear of what they want in life and so, as in the case with the co-pilot, the battle for freedom begins. The end can either be two scarred sisters that hate each other’s guts, or friends that learn to respect each other and relate better knowing their parameters.

7. Needy nutcase

You don’t want to get mixed up with this sister. She is needy and will just drain you of your energy. Such sisters seem to swing from one crisis to the next. When you start wondering why they draw so much tragedy, you realize that they seem to engineer crises because it’s the only way they can get attention.

The needy nutcase is often in a constant state of depression and tries to transmit that to everyone. To this sister, life is one long pity party. She is not herself unless there is a crisis that leads to a need and you have to be on standby to meet the needs.

This sister will try to make you feel guilty for every ounce of happiness you express and even try to make you regret every blessing you have. Such friends tend to be depressive and you can get swallowed in a deep pit of depression while trying to help them. The reality is that this sister does not want to get out of her problems. You would think that this sister would do well with the co-pilot, but no, she loves to wallow in her problems and rejects all solutions proposed by the ever helpful co-pilot. So, for your own sanity, you soon wonder off like everyone else. Even the co-pilot must concede defeat here and move on to more malleable people.

Conclusion

Having said this, the question is what kind of friend are you?