Decided on online dating? Watch out for the big bad wolf part 2.
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I really do believe love is waiting somewhere out there...
Having recovered from my first cyber-induced heartbreak and learnt some lessons about online dating, the time is ripe for part 2. Besides, I owe this to those who read part 1. The past few months have been, ummmm, interesting – coloured with some laughs, fun and pain. One might ask why I still bother with the quest for love after the misfortunes. That’s a valid but poignant question but let’s just say this: 1. I’m an optimist and 2. I really do believe love is waiting somewhere out there. Honestly speaking, what is life without hope and a few risks? After all, there is nothing to lose and perhaps love to gain should something work out. Besides, to learn to ride a bike, one falls a few times. So, to find love, one might need to encounter a few heartbreaks. Hopeful optimist that I am, I keep waiting and searching and hoping…
Drawing from my experience with online dating, this installment will focus on the rather interesting men I’ve met online. It will also provide lessons learnt to the online dating community. I mean, let’s face it, we are a “community” of sorts, right?
These men ranger from the generous benefactor to the pretender. Let’s take a closer look at some of the interesting characters I’ve met during my search for love.
The generous benefactor
This man will dote on you or give you the impression that that is what he is doing despite the distance.
This man believes money is the solution to all life's problems!
The generous benefactor is just that, offering whatever he can “spoil” you with in cyberspace. He always has a solution to your problems. In fact, he is the solution. Whatever you want, he will be. Interestingly, this man thinks money can solve all problems and he is always eager to “help” you with money. This man purports to be well-oiled and will search for every opportunity to send you money. In fact, you’ll find in the final analysis, all your discussions boil down to one thing – money! No matter how much you try to avoid that topic, he will redirect the conversation to finances. Whether your conversation is a light chat about a button falling from your blouse and embarrassing you in the bus, or your grandmother falling ill, the conclusion is always the same. “How much should I send you?” he’ll ask. Of course that means you have to share your account details so he can “transfer the funds.” Of course you’ll never know if he is as well-oiled as he claims because you won’t risk sharing your account details.
Lesson
Never, under any circumstances, divulge your banking details to anyone. In fact, be very wary of such “helpful” people because chances are they want to help themselves to your funds. As discussed in the last article, online, paupers can pose as billionaires. Rich people don’t usually advertise how rich they are, neither do they have to stand on the mountaintops to proclaim it to the world. Realistically speaking, chances are, this guy is not rich at all so don’t be fooled. I have seen the least attractive men with the prettiest Barbie dolls. Yes, sometimes money can buy love so its highly unlikely a rich dude with the world at his feet would be paying a 20 something dollar monthly subscription to a dating site for a bride when access to money offers broader and better options. Besides, a man who thinks money solves all problems is likely to be a problem himself. Remember, to this guy, life is probably like a game of monopoly – none of the money is real and not a single cent is being spent in real life so you can both shop until you drop – but alas, only in your imagination!
The obsessor
As the name implies, this person is obsessed with you and cannot imagine that you actually have a life. He expects you to live for him, to be online whenever he is and to answer your phone whenever he rings, regardless of the time he calls. He cannot imagine that at some stage you will need to go to the toilet, work, eat and meet other people. This man expects to be the centre of your life and becomes livid when he has to share you with your other obligations. It’s a bit frightening that someone can be obsessed with an individual based on the pictures that he’s seen and a voice he has heard on skype.
This person suffers from Severe Attention/Affection Deficiency (SAD) and hopes you can give him all the attention he needs to cover up for what he is lacking. He’ll make you feel guilty about giving attention to anything that is not him or remotely associated with him. Naturally, he’s high maintenance and will sap your energy.
I have a friend who would get random calls from a guy she’d met online just to check on her. He would demand to know who she was with, what they were doing, when they would finish, why they had met and how long they would take etc. He did not understand that sometimes she had to attend meetings that included male colleagues or even attending social gatherings. His obsessive behavior became a source of embarrassment for her, particularly at work-related events.
Lesson
Steer clear of a man like this. He is obviously very insecure and needs to work on his insecurities before he can engage in a meaningful relationship. If he can sap your energy from such a great distance, how on earth will you survive when he’s at close range? Remember, you are entitled to an enjoyable quality life, some aspects of which may exclude him. If he can’t handle the fact that you do not live in a vacuum then you are at high risk of becoming a hostage in the relationship.
The pretender
This character can be quite amusing and highly entertaining. It would be funny if the person was not delusional. I met someone who was obsessed with celebrities. Sometimes his landline would ring while we were in mid-conversation on his mobile phone. He’d excuse himself so he could answer the call but order me not to hang up. Then the conversation on the other end would go something like: “Mike hi. Michael (Jackson), what you are asking me is impossible and I’m not going to do it, not even for you. No Mike, no!….” and he’d hang up and get onto my line huffing. “I’ve got a business deal with Mike but I’m not going to do what he’s asking me, I’m a principled man and will not back track on that!” He really brought to mind Freddie Mercury (Queen)’s track “The Great Pretender.”
He obviously thought I, too, was star-struck and wanted to impress me with his unending list of “celebrity friends.” To be honest, initially I was astonished and this soon turned to amusement and eventually gave way to irritation as I realized it was an unending joke – I take myself seriously you know!
Lesson
Don’t take such characters seriously, unless you don’t take yourself seriously of course!
Any relationship built on illusions will be just that – an illusion. Naturally people like this are also pathological liars and can never be trusted. Guys like this are better off channeling their fertile imagination towards something more creative and meaningful like producing movies or writing fiction. Am sure they could produce best-sellers if they really put their minds to it.
The sincere devotee
Sometimes one comes across genuine, loving people who really seem sincere. However, the possibility of meeting in real life is remote, which makes any relationship impractical. This man has a good heart, is genuinely concerned about you and really wants to be part of your life, if only circumstances would permit. I met two guys like that and was really sad to see them go.
Lesson
Try to date people within your country. However, if you’re in a part of Africa like Zimbabwe, where the online dating bug hasn’t really caught on and you’re unlikely to find suitable matches at home, then try people within your region who are more accessible. Travelling across continents to meet a virtual stranger that one has fallen in love with based on a few photographs, skype calls and yahoo chats is not very pragmatic and can be extremely risky. At the same time, you don’t want to fall for someone you’ll never meet because neither of you can afford an air ticket to the other person’s country. Honestly, getting involved with someone when it’s practically impossible to be together is really setting yourself up for a serious heartbreak and believe me, such good people are difficult to get over.
The dictator
Some people think they can change you overnight by dictating how you should start living and behaving just because you have met them. I once chatted online with someone who decided to tell me to stop wearing make up during our first conversation. He lectured about the negative aspects of make up and told me that I had to be natural. He liked my hair, but not the make-up so I was advised to get rid of it to please him. I sent him a link to a website with a poem I’d written about why I love to wear make-up http://www.worldpulse.com/node/25575 . Needless to say we did not progress beyond the two conversations during which were deadlocked on make-up. To be honest, I don’t think I’d have been comfortable with such a dogmatic person anyway.
On another occasion, I was getting along with a certain Dun, but he tried to dissuade me from exercising and dictated that I should stop wearing shorts as I was now someone’s “wife.” I found that somewhat bizarre and of course continued to dress the way I like and to take care of my body as best I could – after all, he couldn’t see me anyway since we only interacted online.
Lesson
Don’t allow strangers to dictate who you should be. A good relationship starts with accepting your partner for who they are. If someone wants to change you at first encounter, chances are you are not what they are looking for and they would be better off hooking up with the sort of person they have in mind. In fact, try to find people who share your values. Most dating sites offer compatibility tests and some, like e-harmony, actually try to match people with suitable candidates based on various qualities, including common interests, values etc.
If you like make-up, by all means wear it – paint your face red, black or white and look like a skunk in strawberry jam if you like – there’ll always be someone who appreciates you for who you are as long as you are true to yourself. Besides, your preferences and behavior are acquired over time based on your environment, life experiences etc, no one can suddenly undo them with one phone call or an e-mail.
The friend
Sometimes one stumbles upon a gem in the quest for love. However, you may soon realize that they’re not suitable for you even if they are warm, loving and fun. I’ve met a few people with whom I have become friends. These are people with whom I share ideas, jokes and life experiences among other things. Such people tend to be very warm so you are reluctant to let them go because you feel the friendship is worth holding on to. I have some nice new friends, quality people who add value to my life, thanks to a few dating sites.
Lesson
You need not necessarily fall in love with everyone you meet online. Some people will make good friends but may not be what you are looking for in a partner. Also, some people subscribe to dating sites because they want to connect with potential friends. Not all roads lead to marriage and the happily ever after found in most fairy tales.
The pervert
Dating sites have become a perfect hunting ground for perverts. Such people will wave different carrots at you such as a free ticket to his country etc. You don’t want to meet some of these sex maniacs at all, whether online or in real life! These people subscribe to dating sites with one aim in mind and tend to think the world begins and ends with sex. They ask the sort of questions that leave a sour taste in your mouth. What usually starts off as a cordial conversation intended at getting to know each other better soon turns ugly as the guy gets more comfortable with you and tries to direct the discussion at his lusts. Sadly, there are people out there who believe stereotypes certain races. I met a German guy called Chris on one website and had to ask him to stop corresponding with me because his assumptions were very insulting and ill-informed. He professed that he loved black women and when I asked why, he said it was because they had big buttocks and were good for sex. I had hoped to hear something more flattering than that! I told him that black women have more to offer than sex, we have brains and hearts too!
Lesson
Don’t tolerate nonsense from anyone, even online. You are not desperate and you don’t have to put up with anyone who humiliates or embarrasses you. Spam, block and report such guys. They are not worth an iota of your attention! In fact, do not even cooperate when they ask you to do anything against your will on webcam – as they inevitably will. You are entitled to your dignity and are not a sexual animal on display for perverts to leer at. Should you get the offer of a free ticket to the guy’s country, don’t even take it up. He’ll probably use you as a sex slave and sell you to some prostitution ring when he’s done with you. In fact, be wary of people with sexually suggestive names because it gives you a hint of what they are after. If the guy does not have a suggestive name but starts being offensive – drop him.
The perfectionist
This man believes that he is perfect. He does not recognize his own imperfections and believes he is too good for everyone. Chances are he has rejected every woman he has ever met because nobody is good enough for him. So, he extends his search to cyberspace and expects the perfect woman to drop from cyberheaven into his inbox and hopefully his lap.
Lesson
Message to the perfectionist: “Get real! Nobody is perfect and neither are you.”
If a guy wants a perfect woman, he can dream on. Chances are he’ll die whilst dreaming about and waiting for a Miss Perfect, who actually does not exist!
The escapist
As the name implies, this person wants to escape from their current reality to anywhere in the world he imagines to be a better place. Chances are he is struggling and has assumed there is a desperate woman out there who can rescue him from his economic predicament. In his search for a new life, he is eager to move to where you are and even promises to go to the ends of the earth for you. Of course don’t be surprised if he expects you to pay for his air ticket and hotel accommodation when you finally decide to meet. He is, the man, after all and he is convinced that his being born male is enough to satisfy you so don’t expect any added value. He believes a few romantic words and promises of great sex are enough to please you. This man targets highly professional and intelligent ladies – the type that probably intimidate most men. So, he is convinced you are desperate and will do anything for him.
Lesson
DO NOT. I repeat. DO NOT, accommodate such a man. He’s good for your ego when you feel like being flattered but seriously, do not pay for his ticket or anything for that matter. Chances are, when he gets to your house, he will bum around and frustrate you and you’ll struggle to get him out of your life. Idle men are dangerous and you’re better off alone than with this character. Also, chances are he is a parasite and will suck on you like a tick while you yelp like a helpless puppy!
If you decide to accommodate him though and things work out, then good for you.
The intellectual
Very intellectually stimulating but socially boring. Such guys have spent a lot of time at school. Of course the attentions of a professor online are always a boost to one’s ego. However, these guys think no one is intelligent enough for them. Guys like this may be experts in their work but they are socially handicapped.
Lesson
Can’t think of a lesson here, except a word of advice to the professors – if they want someone at their level, perhaps online dating sites are not the place to look. Why not try university campus? Am sure that will yield better results as there must be plenty of single female professors out there – or are our male professors intimidated by highly intelligent women contrary to their claims?
The uncertain
To be honest, some people don’t know what they want. You can give them the best of everything and they just won’t accept it. Guys like this suffer from indecision and are a waste of your time. Even if you turn out to be what he wants, chances are he won’t even recognize it.
Lesson
Don’t let anyone devalue you, a guy who doesn’t know what he wants wont value anything that comes his way no matter how good it is. He will always imagine there is something better out there and will never settle for anything. He’ll probably keep you hanging on while hoping and looking for someone better. Cut your losses and move on.
The player
This guy just wants to be lavished with female attention at all costs but is not serious at all – he’s just after a good flirt. In fact, chances are he is in a serious relationship in real life and just wants to play online. It is highly likely that his partner has caught him cheating a number times so he needs a safe outlet for his voracious appetite for female attention. Naturally, online dating is the perfect outlet, you can date as many people as you like without actually committing or being caught. It’s also quite cheap – between $10 and $60 per month depending on the site, so this guy spends far less than he would on a woman he interacts with in daily life, but still gets the benefits of attention and affection. Of course this man has the right lyrics and will lead you on, then let you crush and leave you to nurse your heartache. Since he only exists in cyberspace, you won’t be able to trace him should he decide to delete his profile and change his mobile number.
Lesson
Recognize the signs. Players in real life and players online have common attributes and you can fish them out.
The married man
Believe it or not, some men who subscribe to online dating sites are actually married and are just having fun. I’m not sure what problems they face at home but hey, there are some naughty married men out there. I met a British-Canadian guy called Dan who is based in the UK and turned out to be very married. Although I thought he was too old for me and somehow I was not interested in him, he was very persistent. He even tried to pressure me into coming up with business ideas so that he could move to Zimbabwe and join me. My instincts told me there was something wrong with this guy – he wanted to move to my country after just a week of e-mailing?
Less than two weeks later, his wife contacted me and told me he was her husband, they had two children and clearly he has a problem. Interestingly, we are both from the same country so this guy must have an obsession with Zimbabweans.
Lesson
If a woman calls you and tells you the guy you’re dating online is her husband, drop him like a hot potato. In fact, you can smell a married guy from miles away and usually, your instincts will tell you when something is wrong anyway. Even if you are in very different time zones, the times that someone communicates with you are a telling sign. If you meet such a guy – run, run, run and don’t stop till he’s out of mind and out of sight, you don’t need such nonsense in your life. You are a valuable human being and not a toy for someone’s amusement!
The lovesick
This type believes you’ve fallen head-over-heels in love with him just by virtue of responding to his e-mail. Guys like this do not understand the concept of dating, they imagine you can dive into a relationship with someone you barely know. This guy is likely to claim he loves you during the first conversation and will try to extract similar sentiments from you, leaving you wondering if he knows what love really is. He does not understand that it is possible to fall in love with someone over time and not everything in life is instant.
Lesson
People like this are not genuine – keep your distance. Naturally, you cannot expect to have a serious relationship with someone like this. He probably thinks the only words a woman understands are “I love you,” but chances are he probably doesn’t understand those words really mean.
Conclusion
Cyber space is a jungle where you can meet people as gentle as deer...
Cyberspace is a jungle and you can stumble upon anything, good or bad.
...or as cunning as the big bad wolf...
Take heart and don’t give up but do be careful, there are deer, doves, wolves and serpents out there. Remember, you are like Little Red Riding Hood and the big bad wolf could come charging at you anytime. While I have had and heard of some unpleasant experiences so far, I’ve also come across some heartwarming stories that end with people living “happily ever after” after having met online. As one blogger said, sometimes you have to kiss a few frogs before you meet your prince. I’m just hoping I’ve had my fair share of frogs and that the next hit, will be the prince.
So, I will not discourage anyone but will encourage you to search with care. Good things come to those who wait but tread carefully. Actually, to all those who are still bent on finding love online, happy searching and dating… and my special dedication to you all is the track: “Love is on the way,” by Dave Koz.
For related articles see:
http://shexpress.wordpress.com/2010/10/22/decided-on-online-dating-watch-out-for-the-big-bad-wolf-part-1/ http://www.worldpulse.com/node/21496
Ever noticed how men try to tie women’s health problems to either pregnancy or their menstrual cycle?
Not all women's health problems are related to pregnancy or their monthly period.
Expressions of pain by women to our men folk are often met with questions like: “Are you pregnant?” or “Is it that time of the month?”
It’s as though women have only one body part and their health revolves solely around their reproductive cycle.
True, some problems are related to the monthly period or pregnancy. However, not all problems are tied to these two regular occurrences. There is more to women than their wombs and not every health problem is related to our reproductive cycles.
Women, like other human beings, get headaches, sore throats, toothaches, common colds, swollen feet and tummy aches for other reasons than their menstruation or pregnancy.
It’s annoying though, that when a woman talks about her pain, most men rush to conclude that her problem is related to her reproductive system.
I remember having a terrible flu coupled with tonsillitis recently. As it was during a public holiday, I went to a 24 hour pharmacy for some over-the-counter medicine. After describing how I felt to the pharmacist, who happened to be a man, I assumed he had understood and would give me the most appropriate medicine.
He brought some medication, which I purchased without asking any questions. After all, he had the appropriate training and I’m just a lay woman so I trusted him to make the best health decision for me based on the information I had provided. My assumptions were clear – the pharmacist and I were partnering to ensure that my health was restored. In return, he would get his profit – it was a simple, neat deal.
The flu was particularly painful so I took the medication as per the pharmacist’s instructions, yet my condition did not change. I chided myself for being impatient when I did not see immediate results. After all, not all medication works instantly.
Two days later, I was still suffering and there was no improvement despite swallowing every pill religiously at the recommended time. I concluded that the medication was not effective at all and it was time to visit the doctor, now that the public holiday was over and the prolonged flu was preventing me from enjoying my life.
Women, like other human beings, suffer various types of pain that are not period pains or child birth.
Out of curiosity, I did an internet search on the medication the pharmacist had given me and lo and behold, it was not for flu. The man had given me tablets for period pains! I had a flu and tonsillitis not period pains, but no, the man had concluded that being a woman, my pain must be tied to my reproductive system!
Naturally, I was irritated and as soon as I recovered I called the pharmacy to tell them not to repeat their dangerous assumptions that all pain suffered by women is related to their reproductive system.
Having worked for an organisation that advocates for women’s sexual and reproductive health and rights, I should not have been surprised at all. One of the main reasons women did not seek timely health interventions for sexual and reproductive problems was that they were shy. Part of the reason was cultural as it was considered taboo to discuss such intimate details of one’s health with a male stranger. Consequently, when attended to by a male doctor or nurse, the women would claim to have a headache or some other ailment on a “normal” body part that could be safely discussed with strangers. The onus was on the male health practitioner to probe and conclude what the problem might be. That, perhaps, could be the reason for the pharmacist’s assumption in my case.
In the absence of an accurate guess, this would result in multiple visits to the clinic until per chance the woman was attended to by a female health practitioner whom she could open up to.
Assuming all pain suffered by women is related to their reproductive health is a dangerous assumption that could lead to misdiagnosis.
While these might have been the realities at some stage, particularly in conservative societies, it does not follow that all women are too embarrassed to discuss their reproductive health and conclusions should be made on their behalf. The world has changed and systems to accommodate “shy” women have been put in place. Communities have figured ways to communicate difficult topics with their health service providers, while women have become more liberated and can express themselves. Clearly, one has to understand the society they are working in before making assumptions. What is suitable for a conservative, highly religious community, may not be appropriate for a metropolitan society, so the same assumptions cannot be applied across the board.
As I write this, I have a tummy ache and no, it is not “that time of the month!” I happen to have binged on some unhealthy foods. I am very capable of expressing what I’m feeling to my doctor and if it were period pains, I would know. However, instead of sensitivity to my pain, what I’m getting from my male counterparts are “knowing looks” as they conclude that I must be either pregnant or having my period.
Clinging to old assumptions that period and labour pains are the only pain women can ever suffer is dangerous as it could lead to misdiagnosis. Its time for people to realise that there is more to women than reproduction. Women fulfil a bigger role in society than child birth and have other body parts that are used for other purposes outside reproducing.
“Learn to laugh at HIFA!”
I read this headline with some amusement when the Harare International Festival of the Arts (HIFA) advertised a series of laughing workshops hosted by a famed doctor from India during its 2010 edition.
I was taken aback, not so much by the fact that people need to be taught to laugh, but rather, that people do not laugh as often as they should.
Laughter, the best medicine.
Numerous scientific articles have been written about the health and mental benefits of laughter. Books have even been published on laughing lessons![1] According to Dr. Madana Katarina, who hosted the HIFA laughing workshops, prolonged periods of laughter reduce physical, mental and emotional stress[2]. He specializes in teaching people how to laugh and started a laughter club in India in 1995. Laughter relaxes the whole body, boosts the immune system, triggers the release of endorphins and protects the heart, according to experts[3].
Being a beneficiary of a life filled with laughter, I totally agree with these experts and think the world would be so much better if people took time to relax their facial muscles, open their mouths and let out a long, hearty laugh.
Just as there is beauty all around us, we can find reason to laugh under any circumstances no matter how adverse. There is just so much humour everywhere, if only we would take time to look, listen and laugh.
Growing up in Zimbabwe’s second largest city of Bulawayo, my family may not have had everything we wanted, but one thing was certain, our home was filled with laughter.
Having lost my father at the age of five, as a child I always had this nagging fear of losing my mother. I grew up when there were no mobile phones and although there were public call boxes, my mother did not always call to say she would be home late. Six o’clock every evening was the time we were trained to close all windows and draw the curtains. It was also the time when everyone was supposed to be home. If my mother was not home by then, as it grew darker and the clock ticked towards seven o’clock, that fear would start creeping in.
I’d be overtaken by panic as a myriad of questions swam through my head, like “What if…?”
However, as the “what ifs” tormented me and I struggled to suppress the overwhelming fear, a familiar tingling sound would interrupt those negative thoughts and I would be at peace again. My mother’s merry laugh would fill the atmosphere as she chatted with the neighbours on her way in. During those days, the world was so safe that walls were decorative and built largely to demarcate one’s yard, so we could always peep over at our neighbours and converse.
As mom made her way from the gate to the door, her musical and soothing laugh overshadowed every other sound. It always started on high note, like a soprano, before reaching a crescendo and then coming down to an alto as it faded. I imagine an invisible orchestra would join her when ever she laughed. If I had to draw my mother’s laugh, it would take the form of bells shaped into a curve, a bit like that of the product life cycle in Marketing.
Laughter, like music, can be uplifting.
Naturally, my fears would immediately vanish and the house would be filled with mirth again. As we grew older, we learnt to generate our own laughter too.
Later as a high school student, friends would phone me during the holidays and not say a word. Some confessed that they did not always call to speak to me, but “to listen to the laughter in the background.” I found that queer but indulged them all the same, although I now understand how laughter can affect one’s mood and well-being.
Years later, while I was working for the national news agency, a friend whom I had not seen for some years brought her son to a pediatrician who practiced from the same building. I was surprised when she rang the bell and asked for me. When I asked how she’d known that was where I worked she simply said “I heard the laugh and followed the sound.” Exactly a year later, we found out we lived in different wings of the same block of flats when, one day, she gathered the courage to follow the sound of laughter and ended up at my doorstep.
“Your laugh is refreshing…” this is the first thing most people say to me when we meet for the first time. Often, when someone who has met one of my family members meets me, chances are they’ll say “you laugh like so and so.” One of my colleagues says she stands by my officer door “just to listen to the refreshing laugh.”
Laughing is among the values my mom passed on to us hence humour is intricately woven into the very core of my being, which is why I marvel at the fact that people have to be taught to laugh. I realize, rather sadly, that as children we laughed so easily, yet in adulthood we have lost the essence of laughter. It’s as though maturity and lacking a sense of humour are synonymous.
As children, we laugh so easily, yet we seem to loose that ability with "maturity."
Certainly, we need to regain and maintain the ability to laugh. It is by far one of the safest ways to stay healthy. When I feel low, I still call home and laugh with my mom. Who needs a pick-me-up drug with a mother like mine? To me, laughter is one of the most comforting sounds.
So, why not just try laughing. Next time you feel stressed or sad, before you reach for that bottle, try something different – laugh! If you can’t laugh at your problems, at least find a comedy or get a book on jokes – there are way more reasons to laugh than to stress.
So go on then, just laugh!!!
This Cupid is a mischievous creature with a sardonic sense of humour!
This character called Cupid, certainly has a wry sense of humour! In Roman mythology, Cupid (Latin cupido, meaning “desire”) is the god of desire, affection and erotic love. In painting and sculpture, Cupid is often portrayed as a nude or diapered winged boy or baby armed with a bow and a quiver of arrows. His deceptive innocent looks concealing a malicious heart. In popular culture Cupid is frequently shown shooting his bow to inspire romantic love, an image that has become the icon of Valentine’s Day. He is now in the current culture the personification of love and courtship in general.
I remember, as a child, watching a film of mythology, in which Cupid shot the arrow of love at a man and one of hate at a woman, so the man started chasing a woman who clearly had no interest in him. Meanwhile, Cupid stood back, watched and enjoyed the show. As children, we laughed too, after all, we did not know much about heart ache.
I do not remember the title of the film I watched, yet it had a profound impact on me.
Today, the image of the man chasing a woman who spurned his advances, while Cupid tittered, haunts me. Sadly, its not just men whose advances are spurned, women too, get rejected. Although we’ve grown over the years, Cupid
Men too, spurn the advances of women.
hasn’t changed his approach and still enjoys shooting opposing arrows at people while he watches with a snigger. Otherwise, why would it be, that sometimes love is one-sided. Ever noticed that sometimes the person you’d give anything for is the least bit interested in you, while those you really don’t want trip over each other flocking towards you? Sometimes the person you want to shower with attention and affection, does not even acknowledge your existence, let alone wish to be part of your world!
Such is the irony of Cupid’s arrow!
People endure untold suffering and intolerable levels of humiliation, all in the name of love for individuals who do not care at all. I’ve seen women throw themselves at the feet of men who trampled all over them like doormats. In some cases, women pine for men who are not even aware of their existence. Some have given up their hard earned wealth to men who did not even feel the slightest inkling of affection towards them, only to be dumped after the resources had been depleted. I’ve had friends whimper and weep over men who would not give them a second glance.
I’ve seen men endure untold suffering for the love of a woman who did not care at all.
Of course the same goes for men, I’ve seen them too, go through untold suffering for the love of a woman who did not care at all. I know of men who changed their course in life and gave up promising careers and a great life, just to be with the woman of their dreams – only to be cheated. I’ve seen men inspired and motivated to work and make fortunes in the hope that they could please a woman who then turned round and gave her vows to someone who was exactly the opposite. Painful as this might be, it is amusing in a rather twisted sort of way.
In the final analysis, one can certainly say Cupid’s arrow is a double-edged sword that slices both the hearts of men and women with intense cruelty. And Cupid is a mean creature with a twisted sense of humor!
Huh? What’s your face saying?.
Whether we like it or not, we are living expressions of something or the other. We constantly convey certain messages, whether wittingly or unwittingly, through our words, body language or facial expression. Where ever we are, someone is reading into us.
Faces are like silent movies – they project a picture that’s subject to the viewer’s interpretation!
Whether or not you know it, your face is saying something!
Whether we like it or not, we are living expressions of something or the other. We constantly convey certain messages, whether wittingly or unwittingly, through our words, body language or facial expression. Where ever we are, someone is reading into us. The first point of contact for most people is the face, which mirrors our thoughts and is supposed to betray our emotions. However, this is not always the case, because some people are born with features that lend their face a permanent expression, e.g some people look surprised, others look angry, while some others constantly look amused. I’ve seen people who look as if they’re about to break down and cry and others who look like they are about to cackle. And all this is purely an accident of nature!
This is often evident in the way people respond to us. As I do not wish to offend anyone, I’ll use myself as an example.
Large eyes lend the face a questioning expression.
I have large eyes that people describe as beautiful, coupled with naturally arched eyebrows that put beauty therapists out of business because they rarely need shaping. While these are pleasant features, one must admit that a combination of the two lend the face a surprised expression. As a result, I seem to have this permanent questioning look, as though I’m asking “huh?”
Not surprisingly, whenever I walk into a room or meet people for the first time, they somehow feel inclined to explain things to me. I walk into a bank and the person in front of me is suddenly compelled to explain what is going on. I stand next to food and someone suddenly feels the urge to tell me the ingredients. Somehow, everybody just wants to explain something or the other. I used to get offended, but after looking in the mirror long and hard, I realized my features seem to be pleading for answers. So I’ve come to terms with the fact that where ever I go, someone will offer an explanation on issues that I am not the least bit concerned about.
Of course there are the friendly faces that put everyone at ease. Warm round eyes that seem to say, “you can trust me,” or “hey, take a seat and make yourself comfortable.” Two friends of mine have eyes like that, so strangers gravitate towards them and people warm up to them very easily. People flock towards such individuals like moths drawn to light.
But then, some people’s features don’t exude that warmth. I have an acquaintance whose mouth is twisted in a permanent sneer and when he speaks, even a simple greeting sounds like a cruel insult. Naturally, he is the last person anyone will ask for anything. I feel sorry for the guy, because he means well but his attempts at friendship are viewed suspiciously, as part of some insidious ploy to wound the next person’s ego.
Some people have very probing eyes that seem to see through the soul and can make the guilty confess. Eyes that seem to say “I know what you did,” and somehow seem to melt the most hardened of criminals. When such people walk into a room, naughty children scamper and try to quickly absolve themselves by shouting “it wasn’t me, it was him/her,” while pointing a finger at the next person. Everyone around such people seems compelled to justify their actions.
Then there are those with cheeks that are curved into a smirk, constantly lending the face an amused expression and haughty look. A look like this can be a confidence killer and makes people feel as if they are being mocked. I worked with a colleague who had such a look and somehow managed to push everyone into defensive mode without much effort.
I have seen people with features that, when combined, make one look as if they’re about to break into tears and compel people to offer words of comfort. If people stroke your arm and ask if everything is ok, then perhaps that is what your features are saying.
And there are those whose features make them look as it they are about to break into a whooping laugh. Pleasant features, indeed, but it can be difficult for such people to convey serious messages because everyone might think they are joking.
So, before you complain about the way people respond to you, ask yourself, what unintended message are you sending?
So, what message is your face conveying?
Watch out for the pitfalls of overly-marketed online dating.
About two months ago, I took the plunge and decided to broaden my scope by venturing into cyberspace in search of a partner.
I must say, I had my fingers burnt and once bitten, twice shy.
The most recent experience left me thinking hard about this highly sanitized and overly marketed fad.
Does online dating really work?
That question still lingers in my mind as I nurse the hurt of a seemingly promising relationship that went awry after a month of what appeared so real. Similarly, I ask myself, are those “success stories” real or just engineered as part of a brilliant marketing strategy?
Right now, to me, the online dating community seems like a bad neighbourhood fraught with pitfalls and populated by control freaks, psychopaths, sociopaths and pathological liars among many other undesirable elements!
To be honest, I feel like “Little Red Riding Hood,” who did not heed her mother’s advice and ventured into the woods, falling prey to the big bad wolf in the process. I warn all those who are considering online dating that there are some strange creatures lurking in that sanitized, dense cyber forest. It is hardly a safe place for the genuine, naïve and trusting so go in with your guard up and your senses on high alert. In fact, if it weren’t a virtual place, it is the sort of hangout your mother would spank you for visiting, and that, for your own safety in future.
The downside to online dating is that anyone can reinvent themself. A pauper can pose as a rich man and Plain Jane can purport to be a supermodel. There is no way of authenticating who people say they are and such relationships hinge on trust so you have to believe a total stranger without any proof to back their claims. Unfortunately, not everyone is honest and we do not all read from the same moral code so the risks are high and it is very easy to be deceived.
In addition, people have different agendas. While some people are sincere, unfortunately, not everybody is equally genuine so it is very easy to unwittingly fall into a trap. I have heard horror stories of women who unsuspectingly fell into drug rings. They innocently travelled to meet online partners, only to be used as drug mules with drugs being stuffed into their luggage on their return trip home. Now some of those women are serving sentences for crimes they were not party to. In this age of high level crimes such as drug and human trafficking, serial killing and interner fraud, one has to be very careful who they communicate with.
Having dated a few men online over the past two months, I can say for sure that some of those online daters are terribly messed up. Perhaps that is the reason they prefer not to find someone within their locality, which should raise a red flag. Come to think of it, anyone who is willing to shop online to have a spouse boxed, shipped and delivered at their doorstep must either be extremely lazy or have some sort of social handicap. (I hope you’re not thinking that applies to me) Let’s face it, really, it’s a sure sign of a problem.
I have concluded, perhaps rather prematurely, that some of these people who date online want a relationship, like to feel loved, want to give love, share part of their lives and experience the highs and lows that come with a relationship. But, and a big but at that, they are not ready to commit. So, they look for a virtual partner who has all the qualities they want and can relate with them from a distance. When it comes to the crunch and its time to meet in person and get serious, they retreat back into the safety and anonymity of cyberspace where no one can touch them, leaving a trail of heartbreaks behind them.
Sadly, when this kind of relationship ends, one can vanish without a trace by deleting their account and changing phone numbers leaving the person on the other end smarting and wondering what on earth happened. Such are the sad realities of connecting with strangers online. Further, anyone who wants to play games can re-emerge under a different identity and continue to fool around.
I had one such experience recently. I met someone online through a popular “African” online dating site. I thought to myself “Wow! Signed, sealed and delivered straight to my e-mail on my birthday. What a gift!” This man turned out to be the perfect match, everything I was looking for in a partner and he said the same of me. Naturally, the relationship took off like an eagle in flight. By the second day, we were already on the phone, chatting for hours on end. We had so much in common and were like kindred spirits. He called me his “soul mate” and could not have been far from the truth. We could talk for several hours at a time and not run out of topics to discuss. It was only when sleep crept in or a new day dawned that we had to end our conversations and attend to our daily chores. In spite of being busy, we kept in touch throughout the day by chatting online in between work. The relationship was highly addictive and had all the qualities of something real. We were scheduled to meet in person a few days ago, which was just over a month of dating online. Needless to say that after all the hype and euphoria, he did not turn up. He was scheduled to arrive in my home country from South Africa after a business trip so as per his instructions, I hired vehicle because he felt my car was too small for his luggage. I had set up appointments and people to play golf with him and even arranged dinner to meet each other’s friends who were in the country. It was all well planned and highly organised. After waiting more than three hours at the airport and checking all airlines, including the ones he had not mentioned, with no sign of him in sightit finally dawned on me that this man was not coming. What an anticlimax!
As you enter the cyber woods of online dating, remember you might be like Little Red Riding Hood and a big bad wolf could pounce on you from any direction.
After failing to raise him on his mobile, I got worried that he may have run into problems and tried to get hold of his employers only to be told there was no such person at that organisation. Attempts to contact him on the phone proved futile. His mobile has been on voicemail since then and he has been ignoring his e-mails. Naturally, the realization that this was a hoax led to some humiliation, followed by slight depression although for some reason I did not feel any anger. I think he was too gentle a soul for me to be angry with. I’ve never been stood up on a date before so this was really hard for me to swallow.
I later learnt that there are some people who are addicted to starting and ending relationships online. They get a “high” from being in love and can actually talk confidently about their online lover without the challenges and responsibilities of a proper relationship. This gives some semblance of normalcy to their lives and relationships. While I’ll never know what motivated him to lie, I have certainly learnt that not everyone who is involved in online dating is a saint.
This raises the questions: Should one give oline dating a chance or simply steer clear of it? What are the odds that one will not meet a pathological liar or worse? These are difficult questions to answer, particularly when dealing with complex and unpredictable human minds.
My advice to anyone who decides to date online is that it is not necessarily a bad thing. We should learn from other people’s mistakes but not give up just because of someone else’s unfortunate experience. Just because someone had a miscarriage doesn’t mean people should stop getting pregnant!
However, should you decide to take the plunge, “remember, not everyone is as genuine as you are, so approach the cyberwoods with caution. Chances are you are like ”Little Red Riding Hood” and “a big bad wolf” could pounce from any direction. On the other hand, there are some real, sincere people that are genuinely looking for a life partner and should you meet one of those, hurray for you. So, expect to either meet a big bad wolf or a prince because sadly, one sometimes has to kiss some frogs before the prince emerges. I can’t help but wonder though, how many cyber frogs the average person must contend with before the knight in shining armour bursts into their life!
